My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and eternal life, rest in your mind forever.
Moroni 9:25
Such a Love
How can we fathom Such a love? The Firstborn Son of God Almighty Jehovah Creator of worlds Commander of sea and storm Brought to His knees By our pain Our sins Our sorrows Bleeding Broken Torn Tormented In a garden In a court On a cross As He died for us For us! How can we so live To be worthy of Such a love?
When the first drops of living water trickled into my heart; when I began to entertain the startling thought that I’d been wrong all those decades and that the Church I’d left so long ago was the true path after all, the greatest mover of my soul was Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice. First with my sister Lynne’s words and the lyrics of hymns, the talks and testimonies of the dear Saints in my ward, then in the scriptures and the words of the prophets, apostles, and other general authorities and leaders of the Church, I began to study and contemplate the great center pole of all our doctrine, the supernal event upon which rests all our hope.
During those times in my life when I believed in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, I understood, in an abstract sense, that He died on the cross for our sins and rose from the dead so we might also rise to immortality, but I’d never internalized that understanding. In other words, I’d never understood His Atonement at all.
Christ’s atoning sacrifice isn’t meant to be understood by the force of our intellect. It’s not merely something that happened in the history of this world. Christ’s Atonement is a cosmic event that will continue to reverberate across time and space for all eternity. His astounding act of divine love and human suffering isn’t relegated to the past, nor to one location here on our earth. (For a full treatment of this subject, see Tad R. Callister, The Infinite Atonement.)
Divine time is not human time and divine space is not human space. To the divine mind, all events take place at once, in the infinite, eternal Now. Our limited mortal minds cannot embrace the reality of God’s unlimited perception and perspective.
Because He is divine, Jesus Christ knows each and every one of us, from the beginning to the end of the family of man. He knows us because He has plumbed the depths of our hearts. He knows us intimately because in His infinite Atonement not only did He erase the effects of the Fall, but He also suffered for all of our individual sins, sorrows, and afflictions. He felt our pain in His body and soul more powerfully than we feel it in ourselves because He knows the consequences of our sins and loves us more than we love ourselves. He suffers with us, with every human being ever born on this earth and countless other earths He has created and will yet create.
Think of it! Think of the magnitude of pain and grief He bore for us! That’s why He shed great drops of blood at every pore. That’s why the Son of God groaned in pain in the dark Garden of Gethsemane.
About a month before Heavenly Father revealed to me His plan for this book, I wrote this entry in my journal:
9/19/22, 7:30 a.m.
While reading my patriarchal blessing about my gift of being mighty in writing, and spreading my testimony “far and wide,” I feel prompted to write a poem about Gethsemane. A little later, that impulse was confirmed by the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost: “Gethsemane. Write about Gethsemane.”
In the Darkness of Gethsemane
In the darkness of Gethsemane The Savior knelt to pray, “My Father, if it be Thy will, Please take this cup away.” Yet He knew His mortal life Was coming to its end. He’d done all things required of Him, And now He must descend. His Parents wept to see the blood Upon that noble brow, The Great Jehovah on His knees Fulfilling every vow. The pain began, the suffering For every human sin. The torment of each mortal soul Filled Him to the brim. Willingly He took the weight Upon his tortured frame. Willingly He offered up Himself to take the blame. His back was bent, His head was bowed, He drank deep from the well. Our sins rose up and dragged Him through The very gates of hell. As dawn rose on Gethsemane, Christ struggled to his feet. The cross still lay ahead of Him Who owns the Judgment Seat. As angels watched in silent awe, He staggered with his cross. None other could have paid the price To ransom all the lost. And as He hung in agony, His mother looking on, With failing breath He said the words, “Father, it is done.” Let not his sacrifice be vain! Come walk the path He trod! From Heaven through Gethsemane, He leads us Home to God.
On October 1, 2022, I received another prompting to write about Christ’s atoning sacrifice. Here’s that journal entry:
Before bedtime prayer:
Father, do you want me to write more poems, or should I work on talks, or articles?
During prayer, in response to an impression:
Q: Do you want me to write my personal view of the Atonement?
A: “Yes, Daughter. Pour your heart out in gratitude to my Son. Hold nothing back.”
Q: Yes, Father. When shall I do this?
A: “After conference is over.”
—Yes, Father, I will. Thank you. That’s going to be hard. Emotional.
A: “Yes, it is, but you must do it. It will free you to write many things I have prepared for you.”
Q: What kinds of things?
A: “All will be revealed.”
Q: In your good time?
A: “Yes, Daughter, in my good time. Study your Book of Mormon now, then sleep.”
—I will. Thank you, Father.
As soon as conference was over I wrote an essay about my dear Savior’s Atonement, parts of which are included throughout this book.
Then on December 6, 2022, I received a personal witness of Christ’s Atonement, which I recorded in my journal:
After morning prayer, closing in the name of Christ, the Atoning One:
“He died for your sins, that you might have eternal life and eternal glory.”
—Thank you, Father.
Another tender witness of my Savior came on December 11, while I was sick with a bad cold:
After evening prayer, still not well, opening my eyes and seeing the sheep on my sheets:
“Don’t worry, little sheep. I have you.”
—Thank you, Jesus!
He has me, and He has you, because of the matchless love that led Him to suffer more pain and anguish than any being has ever suffered, so He could save us from our sins and succor us in our sorrows. Truly He descended below all things and bore the agonies of hell so we wouldn’t have to. What greater love could there possibly be? And what greater love could a father have than to send His Firstborn, His Only Begotten Son, to suffer such great agony for our sakes? How then can we stray off the covenant path, the only path that will lead us back to live with our Father and His Beloved Son in joy and glory forever?
I ask how, but I know how because it happened to me. Because I failed to do my part, because I failed to nourish and strengthen my testimony by studying and pondering the scriptures, because I failed to pray, because I failed to humble my proud heart before my Heavenly Father and accept the saving grace of His Son’s Atonement, I wandered away from that strait and narrow path that leads us home.
It was my dawning understanding of Christ’s great atoning sacrifice that placed my feet back on the covenant path. I pray that a deep conviction of that loving sacrifice will do the same for you and those you love.
As I write these words on February 14, 2023, I feel I haven’t yet plumbed the full depth of my gratitude for the divine suffering that saved me from ignorance and sin. I feel I haven’t yet fully poured out my heart, holding nothing back. Words are insufficient for this purpose, but words are all I have, so I will try once again, as I promised my Father.
I imagine my Savior — having come to earth as a mortal man, knowing Himself to be subject to pain and death — leaving His disciples to keep watch as He walks farther into the twilight in the Garden of Gethsemane, outside the eastern wall of Jerusalem. The sun is sinking and soon it will be dark. His soul is heavy with sorrow and foreboding. He knows what is to come, knows He must bear it, but His mortal body shrinks from this thing in dread as He kneels to pray, asking His Father if the awful cup may not pass from Him, if there is not some other way, knowing the answer must be, “No, my Son. There is no other way.”
Then it begins, tormenting His body with pain and sickness, flooding His mind with the terrible burden of grievous sins, filling His heart with grief and sorrow, the sorrows and sins of all humankind throughout all of infinite time and space. No fully mortal being could have borne it. Even Jesus Christ, the Creator and God of countless worlds needed the ministering of an angel to strengthen Him so He could bear up under the onslaught.
I imagine Satan watching from his murky lair, rejoicing at Christ’s suffering, waiting eagerly for his divine rival, his elder brother, to break under the strain. When great drops of blood begin falling to the earth from every pore of Christ’s agonized body, when the favored Son of God groans in pain, surely Satan believes he has won at last.
But Satan did not win. He will never win. Our dear Savior loves His people too much to give us into rebellious Lucifer’s hands, no matter how He must suffer to save us. Through the excruciating pain, the seemingly endless darkness, His love for us lifted Him up, up, up toward the light He brought into the fallen world by His miraculous birth and His willing sacrifice. He suffered through much of the night, prostrate upon the earth He created for us, while His Heavenly Father watched in agonies of His own, until at last Christ’s pain began to ease. The first portion of His final sacrifice was complete.
Then came the bitter betrayal by one of His own, and the mockery, humiliation, and torture of His trial and crucifixion. Again and again, Christ suffered agonies of body and soul for your sake and mine. Again and again, He bore all of it for us. He bore even the withdrawal of His Father’s Spirit so He could taste the final indignity and grief of the spiritual death we suffer when we turn away from God.
Christ willingly suffered all things and bore all things to ransom us from sin and comfort us in our sorrows and afflictions. Through His abject suffering on our behalf, He redeemed us from that fallen state that would have given us into Satan’s hands forever. He redeemed me. He redeemed you. He redeemed us all.
All we need do is repent of our sins and transgressions during our mortal probation and accept His saving grace into our souls through baptism, renewing our covenants with Him each Sabbath day in the holy Sacrament. This is the only way we can be saved from suffering for our own sins after we have passed from this life.
Indeed, what greater love can there be than Jesus Christ’s love for us? Yet, if our hearts are hardened, we can’t feel that great love. I’ve learned from long experience that one of the chief causes of a hardened heart is anger.
After prayer on October 6, 2022, I received this impression from the Spirit: “If our hearts are bound up in anger against those who hurt us, we cannot fully accept Christ’s Atonement into those hardened hearts.” I also know from my own life that unresolved grief can turn to anger and thus become an impediment to fully accepting Christ’s Atonement.
At this moment I feel prompted to say that fear and pride can also play a big part in rejecting this saving doctrine. If we fully acknowledge His sacrifice for us, then we must overcome our pride and fear, confess our sins and transgressions, and fall to our knees in sincere repentance.
It’s so hard to admit, even to ourselves, that we have sinned before God. I know this for myself. It’s easier to deny the existence of sin, even the existence of God, than to bare our souls and confess our sins. We’re afraid of being caught out, of being different, of being scorned for our mistakes or our beliefs. We think it’s easier to deny, deny, deny than to battle our stubborn pride, repent, and seek forgiveness.
But is it really easier to remain in denial than to come to Christ and be made clean in Him? No worldly pleasure compares with the joy of being clean before my Savior and my Heavenly Father. No mortal love compares with Christ’s love for me, love made real and sure through His astonishing Atonement. No mortal hope can replace the hope I have in Him: the hope of eternal life, eternal joy, and eternal glory, freely extended to all through His supernal sacrifice.
Weighed against the infinite power and reach of Christ’s Atonement, our questions or doubts about this or that point of doctrine pale in significance. Against that power, any human flaw or error we might perceive in a Church leader or member is reduced to its proper perspective. Our faith should not be focused on human beings. Our faith should always be focused squarely on Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, Their doctrines and commandments, and the covenants we make with Them. If we are Theirs, we need not fear. If we are Theirs, we can be prompted by the Holy Spirit in all things we should do and be.
Daily Prayer
I am Thine, Father. Do with me according to Thy will. Turn my heart toward the poor and the suffering. Send me to the weak in faith, that I may strengthen them with Thy words. Send me to the hungry, that I might share of the substance with which Thou hast blessed me. Send me to the lost, that I might help them find Thee. Send me to the sorrowful, that I may comfort them with Thy promise of joy. Send me to those who are angry and those who are hurt, that I might calm their hearts with Thy peace. Do with me according to Thy will, Father, for I am Thine, always and forever. This I pray in the sacred name of Thy Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, who suffered and died that I might live and have eternal joy in Thee. Amen
Before I close this chapter, I feel impressed to share with you a personal revelation I received on February 5, 2023. It regards a particularly sensitive doctrinal stumbling block for many, including myself before I fully returned to the Church. I had been pondering it for some time before this personal revelation came. I urge you to prayerfully seek your own understanding of this difficult problem.
Morning prayer—
Q: Asking if I should address gender confusion in the book and, if so, how should I treat it?
A: “Yes, of course. ‘Head on,’ as you have said in your journal. It is a great stumbling block to many, as it was to you.”
Q: How should I address it, Father? What should I say?
A: “That I love everyone. That my plan of happiness is, and always has been, based on families. That the current level of gender confusion is a plan of the devil to destroy families. Remember, you are writing to members of the Church, not the outside world. They should know and understand these things.”
Q: Yes, Father, but what shall I say to gay Church members, or those who have fallen away because of this doctrine?
A: “Say that they are loved. Say this is a trial they agreed to. Say their reward will be great if they endure it to the end. Say it is given to them to set an example for others like themselves; that it is possible to be a faithful Saint even with this challenge. Say their trial is no worse than that of single members who cannot find a companion in this life — and there are many such. Say they are asked to live the law of sacrifice like everyone else, and this special trial will make them stronger in this life and the life to come. Tell them this is a test of their faith, as many are tried and tested. Tell them to be patient, for their trial will end and eternal happiness will be theirs. Tell them to pray for forbearance and the strength to control their impulses, just as heterosexual people must do.”
Q: Will they have a chance to have their own families in the Millennium?
A: “Study Church doctrine on this, and the teachings of the prophets.”
—I will. Thank you, Father!
Q: Should I quote Your words exactly?
A: “Yes, Daughter. Use this journal entry in the book.”
—Thank you!
Latter-day prophets and apostles teach us that all the faithful will be made whole in the end. I love this passage from Dallin H. Oaks, at this writing First Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church:
We know that many worthy and wonderful Latter-day Saints currently lack the ideal opportunities and essential requirements for their progress. Singleness, childlessness, death and divorce frustrate ideals and postpone the fulfillment of promised blessings…. But these frustrations are only temporary. The Lord has promised that in the eternities no blessing will be denied His sons and daughters who keep the commandments, are true to their covenants, and desire what is right.”
From an address published in the Ensign, November 1993, 72-75.
President Oaks goes on to say that many deprivations will be corrected in the Millennium, “which is the time for fulfilling all that is incomplete in the great plan of happiness for all of our Father’s worthy children.”
Our joy will be full as long as our faith remains in Jesus Christ and in the power of His Atonement to free our immortal souls from endless torment, let us live in joy and hope, and lead us home to Him and our Heavenly Father. I believe in Jesus Christ, His love for me, and His saving grace, and that carries me through and beyond all doubt.
I testify to the actuality of Christ’s Atonement. It is not symbolic. It is real, and it is present at all times and in all places. God’s mercy is always available to any who come to Him in humility and faith — faith even as tiny as a mustard seed or the period at the end of this sentence — desiring to trust in His power to forgive, to heal, and to save. Our Savior’s grace covers even the worst of sinners if they will only come to Him and repent. We can all be gathered into His outstretched arms, one family in Christ.
As for me, I’ll never forget the moment I fully accepted Christ’s Atonement into my heart and felt my soul swell with inexpressible joy. He is the risen Christ. This is His Church, administered on earth by His prophets. I so testify in His sacred name, amen.
Repentance
Let my sins Drive me to my knees In humble prayer Before my God Let my tears Bathe the wounded feet Of my dear Savior Day and night Let my heart Break upon the rocks Of my foolish pride As I pray Let my soul Be cleansed in His blood Who died for my sins In great love Let my voice Rise in praise of Him Singing songs of joy In His name Chapter 12: Coming to Zion
Memoirs of a Prodigal Daughter 