There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—
And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.
Doctrine and Covenants 130:20-21
Loss
Bereft of Thy words My soul does shrink My heart grows cold My eyes grow dim Be silent no more O Comforter! I faint with grief! Return to me!
The day before my endowment, I was reading Doctrine and Covenants 1:19-20 when personal revelation began to flow into my mind. These are the verses I was pondering:
19 The weak things of the world shall come forth and break down the mighty and strong ones, that man should not counsel his fellow man, neither trust in the arm of flesh—
20 But that every man might speak in the name of God the Lord, even the Savior of the world;
And these are the journal entries that followed:
“Only by testing and enduring are we made strong.”
—Thank you, Father!
“Exhort the Church to improvement.”
—I trust you to show me how I am to do this, because I am not the prophet.
“You are a prophetic voice.”
—How can this be so? I am neither ordained nor set apart.
“I have called you. Tell no one at this time.”
In prayer:
Q: Oh, Heavenly Father, am I hearing you aright?
A: “Arise and follow me. Tell no one what I have asked of thee. The time is not at hand.”
—Show me! Guide me!
A: “I will.”
Later:
“You will be endowed with power from on high.”
—Oh, my goodness!
In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been so astonished by this. After all, I was to be endowed with priesthood power in His holy temple the very next day. But at the time I didn’t comprehend the full impact of that endowment of power, and I hadn’t yet learned about foreordination. Further personal revelation that day helped to clarify what my Father was asking of me.
I never, for one instant, believed God was calling me to do anything other than expound scripture, revealed doctrine, and the teachings of the sustained prophets, seers, and revelators of the Church. Everyone who is asked to speak or teach is given the same calling, whether temporary or long-term. The only difference is that my life is relatively free of distractions, so my Father wants me to devote virtually all my time and effort to this work, using my perspective as one who returned to the Church after many decades away to help strengthen the faith of members who might be wavering in these turbulent and confusing last days.
As the outpouring of personal revelation continued that day, I wondered how I could possibly be worthy of this calling. Pondering this, I wrote in my journal:
Understandings:
My talk yesterday was the beginning of this ministry within the Church. You inspired the bishopric to call me; You inspired the subject; You co-wrote it with me; You gave me power and eloquence in its delivery. Was this my test of worthiness for my mission to exhort the Church to improvement?
A: “I knew you were worthy.”
Q: Is this why You brought me to Utah, to the midst of the established Saints?
A: “Partly. I also brought you for your family.”
—Thank you, Father.
Q: You’ve been preparing me for this all along, haven’t you.”
A: “Yes, I have.”
Q: You even arranged for me to give talks in another church to gain confidence.
A: “Yes. You did well.”
Q: Is this why I haven’t felt inspired to begin “Sariah’s Daughters,” because that isn’t what You wish me to do?
A: “Yes. I wish you to write and speak with power to the Church at every opportunity I will prepare for you.”
Q: Father, is this true revelation? Am I hearing you right? (Remembering the people who thanked me for my talk yesterday…)
A: “Yes. Yes. Yes. You know it is.”
— I will go and do as You ask. Thank you, Father.
And later:
Q: You called me to the ministry of another church. Was that to prepare me to return to Your true Church with knowledge and skills?
A: “Yes, certainly.”
The next day, June 28, the morning of my endowment, the Spirit told me for a third time, “The time to reveal this is not yet.” Also on that morning, I recorded this:
Endowment Day!
This evening I will enter the temple of the Lord in Payson, Utah to make higher covenants with God and receive an endowment of knowledge from on high.
I still hadn’t an inkling of the power inherent in the endowment for those who keep their higher covenants. I had many lessons yet to learn, some of them painful.
Following those last entries on the morning of my endowment are several pages that stayed blank for nearly five months because I couldn’t bear to record the events of that day and their consequence.
Finally, the time came to enter the House of the Lord. My sister Lynne acted as my temple escort. I loved every moment of my initiatory and the endowment itself. Some of the symbolism in the endowment presentation was puzzling, but I had expected it to be and accepted that it would take time and pondering to understand all.
The beauty and grandeur of the celestial room and the gladness of my dear family filled me with joy. All was more than well until while returning to the dressing room, I saw a familiar face: the wife of my stake patriarch. Her sweet face lit up in a brilliant smile as she greeted me and I told her I’d just been endowed.
Suddenly the impulse to tell someone about my calling to write and speak overcame me and I whispered those sacred things in her ear. As soon as I saw the astonished look in her eyes I knew I had made a terrible mistake. The Spirit had cautioned me not once, but three times, not to tell anyone yet. My soul flooded with shame and sorrow. Not only had I disobeyed my Heavenly Father, but I’d done it in His holy temple, only moments after my endowment!
I said nothing to my sister standing beside me, no doubt wondering what secret I’d whispered to this woman she’d never met. I quickly introduced them and we continued on our way as if nothing had happened, but my heart was broken, my soul mired in misery. I’d tainted my own endowment day with one impulsive act.
Immediately I began to repent in my heart, and throughout the following days and weeks, while I pretended outwardly that everything was fine, I continued to beg my Father’s forgiveness on my knees in godly sorrow and bitter tears. But His Holy Spirit had withdrawn from me in an instant, leaving me to grieve my disobedience in lonely solitude. The heavens were closed to me and my loss was incalculable. I vowed to all of heaven that I would never again disobey my Father’s commands; that I would go, and do, and be, wherever and whatever He asked of me, no matter the cost, if only He would call me His beloved daughter once again.
The heavens remained silent for nearly three weeks. I realized much later that those admonitions to tell no one were a test of my obedience, a test Heavenly Father knew I would fail. He prepared that test and everything that followed to mold me into His obedient daughter so He could use me for His own purposes here in this mortal realm. He knew my pain and sorrow at losing His Holy Spirit as my constant companion would be so great that I would never again disobey Him. As I was to discover, He hadn’t finished testing me.
For weeks before my endowment I’d been planning a long road trip to visit family back East and as many Church historic sites as possible on the way home. I packed up my Outback and left Santaquin on July 4, 2022. Lynne’s family had planned a reunion in North Carolina for July 8-12. Everyone else was flying in and I was meeting them there.
I drove the southern route, through the northeast corner of New Mexico, then across Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Tennessee, into the beautiful green mountains of North Carolina. It was too hot and I was once again in too much of a hurry to camp, so I stayed in motels every night. And every night and morning I got down on my knees, begging my Father’s forgiveness for my disobedience, but the heavens remained shut up tight against my pleading.
I enjoyed the reunion as much as I could, but an undercurrent of melancholy stayed with me. I still couldn’t believe I’d undermined my own endowment with one foolish, impulsive act. Did the Holy Spirit’s silence mean He would never speak to me again? Was I now unworthy of the work my Father had called me to do? I felt like curling up in a ball and crying all day long, but I had to keep pretending everything was fine.
My next stop was Susan’s house near Philadelphia. Her younger sister had suffered for many years from myotonic muscular dystrophy. Their younger brother had died from complications of the same illness several years before, and their father before that. Now, in spite of her husband’s stringent precautions, my younger niece had contracted COVID. She was admitted to an intensive care unit while I was in North Carolina and passed away on July 12. The next day I drove to Philadelphia and tried to comfort Susan through the first days of this new loss.
While at Susan’s I got out my road atlas and planned a westbound route to visit Church historic sites. Then, before I was fully awake on the morning of Monday, July 18, a still, small voice whispered in my ear: “Go to Palmyra. Stay five days.” I immediately responded, “I will, Father! Thank you!”
My heart soared in joy. The Holy Spirit was back! I was no longer cut off from heaven. But I was afraid to ask if I’d lost my Heavenly Father’s trust for good. I wouldn’t get up the courage to inquire about the status of my foreordained calling until after I returned to Utah.
I rearranged my motel reservations to stay in Manchester, just down the road from Palmyra, for five nights instead of three, and adjusted my other plans to accommodate the change. I had no idea why I was supposed to stay in Palmyra for five days, but I trusted the Spirit to lead me along. If that still, small voice had told me to stay in Palmyra for a month, or the rest of my mortal life, I would have obeyed, no questions asked.
I left Philadelphia on July 22, heading to Connecticut for a brief visit with another niece and nephew on David’s side of the family. It was just past dark when I pulled up to the motel in Manchester, New York. I’d made temple appointments for Saturday afternoon and Tuesday morning, planning to sightsee in between.
The Palmyra Temple is set on a slight rise just a few hundred yards from the entrance to the Smith family homestead and the Sacred Grove. I was performing initiatories on Saturday and, as I entered the dressing area, a woman asked me if I’d do five of hers. I readily agreed, and when I’d finished those, I performed ten more from the temple.
I love initiatories. The promises are so moving and sweet. I always imagine the dear spirit receiving them on the other side of the veil, hoping she accepts those sacred ordinances and that I’ll have the privilege of meeting her when I cross over.
From the temple, I drove into the town of Palmyra, visited the Church Distribution Center, and toured Grandin’s Print Shop next door, where the first edition of the Book of Mormon was printed.
On Sunday I attended Sacrament meeting and Relief Society at the Palmyra Stake Center and then took a guided tour of the Smith homestead. After the tour I walked through the Sacred Grove, trying to imagine where young Joseph might have walked, where he might have knelt on that astonishing day in the spring of 1820. I sat on a bench and prayed for a word from the Spirit, but no word had come since the instruction to stay five days in Palmyra. Still praying for forgiveness, I left the grove.
On Monday morning I went to the Hill Cumorah, which is on the road between Manchester and Palmyra. In the visitor’s center, I sat in a large reception room by myself, gazing reverently up at a larger-than-life Christus statue while listening to a recording of Jesus’s words. It was very moving and made me long even more for the full return of the Holy Spirit to my heart. I climbed Cumorah by the steepest path, trying to picture Moroni carrying the gold plates up the hill and Joseph carrying them back down.
That afternoon I drove to Fayette and toured the Whitmer farm, where the Church was organized. One of my favorite stories from Church history is that of Mary Whitmer, who toiled ceaselessly to care for a houseful of family and guests, including Joseph and Emma. One day she was trudging toward the barn when a man appeared carrying a heavy sack over his shoulder. The man was Moroni and the sack contained the gold plates. He showed them to Mary to give her a strengthening witness of the sacred work she was aiding, and then he was gone. I really wanted to see that barn, but where it had stood was a cornfield. The original cabin was still standing, though, and I felt the Spirit there, even if He still withheld His voice from me.
The next day, Tuesday, July 26, I attended a late-morning endowment session at the Palmyra Temple. Afterward, in the celestial room, as I prayed once again to be forgiven for my foolish disobedience, I received this most beautiful and welcome personal revelation, which I wrote down as soon as I returned to my car:
“Forgive yourself. Weep no more. You are my daughter and I love you. I have a great work for you to do.”
—Does it involve the temple?
“Yes, in part.”
—Does it involve writing and speaking?
“Yes.”
I was impressed that the details would come in time. I was also impressed to return to the Sacred Grove.
As I walked into the grove, I heard three surprising words from the still, small voice: “Smell your arm.” I obeyed immediately, as if my arm were on a pulley operated by that command, assuming it was a rather humorous test of my unquestioning obedience. I still believe that.
Unsure why I was there, but trusting that His purpose would be revealed, I walked the winding paths until I saw a woman coming toward me. She asked if I knew the way out and I said we’d find it soon. We talked as we walked together, and after a moment I felt impressed to tell her my story of returning to the Church after fifty-five years away. With tears in her eyes and a catch in her voice, she told me her son and his family had just left the Church. My story gave her hope that they might return one day.
I thought perhaps I’d been directed back to the Sacred Grove to lend a sympathetic ear to someone’s problems, but it turned out God had sent me back to tell my own story and offer hope to a heartbroken mother.
But that wasn’t the only reason Heavenly Father told me to stay in Palmyra for five days. A few months before that road trip, I’d sold my Ford Escape to a niece in California, but for various reasons, the transaction had become complicated.
On my last night at the motel in Manchester, my sister April texted me a copy of a notice from the New York Department of Motor Vehicles that had come in the mail that day, which indicated that the Escape was still in my name. I needed a duplicate title before the problem could be resolved, but I couldn’t apply for it online because I no longer had a New York address or driver’s license. The best solution would be to go to a New York DMV office in person.
If the notice had arrived one day later, I would have been in Ohio. But because the Holy Spirit had told me to stay in Palmyra for five days, I was able to visit a New York DMV office and apply for the duplicate title needed to complete the transfer of ownership. That incident proved to me that Heavenly Father cares about all aspects of our lives, the practical as well as the spiritual.
From Palmyra, I headed west to Kirtland, Ohio, the site of the first temple the Saints built in this dispensation. I looked forward to seeing the place where the keys of the priesthood were restored, even though the Kirtland Temple is no longer in the hands of the Church and thus no longer consecrated to God.
Many original historical buildings still stand in Kirtland, including the Whitney home and store. Upstairs in that store, in the small room where Joseph organized the School of the Prophets in obedience to revelation, something amazing happened to me. Our tour group sat on the benches, facing a fireplace and a small desk in the corner. The young missionary sisters conducting the tour invited us to enjoy a moment of silence to contemplate the sacred events that took place in that room.
When I closed my eyes, I saw my mother, father, and stepfather in white robes, smiling at me. They all looked young, healthy, and very happy. Tears filled my eyes and joy welled up in my breast. I’d been granted a glimpse beyond the veil, and the sweet assurance that my mother had overcome all of her obstacles and fully accepted the gospel was more precious to me than words can convey. My heart was full.
When the tour ended, I drove up the hill to the Kirtland Temple, but I turned one street too soon. Instead of entering the parking lot, I drove past the north side of the temple. As I did so, I heard the distinct voice of the Holy Spirit whisper one word in my ear: “No.” Startled and perplexed, I drove around the block and pulled into the parking lot. From that side of the temple, all you can see is a wing that was added to house a museum. Not one square inch of the temple was visible from that vantage point.
I parked the car and prayed, “Lord, do you not want me to enter this temple?” No words were forthcoming, but I got a strong impression that I’d have a negative experience in the deconsecrated Kirtland Temple. This has puzzled me until today, February 6, 2023, when I asked for an explanation and received this sweet answer:
“You are correct in discerning that your experience there would have been negative, not uplifting. Your sorrow over the loss and spiritual desecration of my holy house would have caused you much sorrow, and I would spare you that.”
I drove on to the Morley Farm, where Joseph and Emma stayed for a few months in 1831, and where Joseph received thirteen revelations. No one else was there. I walked up the wooded hill to a clearing where Joseph had presided over a priesthood meeting. It was wonderful to be in these sacred places, imagining myself back in time to the birth of the Restoration.
The next stop on my tour was Nauvoo, Illinois. I arrived on Friday evening, July 29, and attended an endowment session the next afternoon. The Nauvoo Temple is amazing. The building was destroyed after the Saints left Nauvoo, reconstructed to the original plan, and dedicated in June 2002. The murals in the endowment rooms are breathtaking. I loved every moment I was able to spend in the temple.
I was in Nauvoo over a weekend and most of the historic sites close early on Sunday, so I didn’t get to see everything I wanted to see. I really wanted to visit Carthage and pray at the jail where Joseph and Hyrum were martyred, but that will have to wait for my next road trip back East.
To my delight, I arrived in time to catch the final seasonal performance of the Nauvoo Pageant, which had just resumed after the COVID shutdown. The pageant was a treasure I’ll never forget. Before I left the grounds, I again encountered the woman I had met in the Sacred Grove, which made my Nauvoo experience a true spiritual feast. The next time I go to Nauvoo I’ll stay longer — maybe even five days.
On Monday, August 1, I drove west from Nauvoo, heading for Adam-ondi-Ahman, near Jameson, Missouri. That was to be my last stop at a Church historic site. I had family to visit before returning to Utah.
Traveling across the Midwest in July, the heat outside my air-conditioned car was almost unbearable. It was 95 humid degrees on the bluff overlooking the vast valley of Adam-ondi-Ahman. The viewpoint was deserted and there was no shade to be had. No one else was foolish enough, or keen enough, to venture out in the oppressive heat. That green valley dotted with huge rolls of harvested hay extended far into the distance. I imagined Adam and his countless progeny filling the valley floor as he gave them his final blessing, and then I tried to picture the gathering at the Lord’s Second Coming. No one knows exactly when that will be or what it will look like, but it was inspiring to imagine that astounding future event.
After I left Adam-ondi-Ahman, my next stop was Denton, Texas, to spend a few days with my only living aunt and uncle. We enjoyed each other’s company and shared memories while we visited with other relatives and drove out to see what had become of the old family farm. Then I drove to Fort Worth and spent several pleasant days with my stepbrother Tim and his wife, Kathy. Heavy rainstorms to the west kept me in Texas a bit longer than I’d planned, but it was good to be with family I hadn’t seen in a very long time. When the storms cleared, I completed the final leg of my six-week, seven-thousand-mile journey, arriving in Santaquin on August 13, 2022.
Three days later I finally mustered the courage to ask the question that had troubled me since the day of my endowment. I’d received some reassurance in the Palmyra Temple, but I needed to know for certain. Here’s my journal entry from August 16:
At prayer, asking if by betraying the secret God told me three times to keep, I have missed my chance to follow the great calling He had in store for me.
Immediate:
A: “No; it is only delayed.”
—Thank you, Father! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will try to be patient. You are great!
A: “Continue to prepare yourself.”
—I will!
That Friday I went to the Payson Temple with Lynne, and the next day I received an amazing personal revelation, this time through scripture. Here’s part of my journal entry from August 20, 2022:
While reading Doctrine and Covenants section 25, verses 4-8 (4, 7, 8):
Q: Father, are these verses for me also?
A: “Yes, this is for you also, for you are like unto Emma.”
4 Murmur not because of the things which thou hast not seen, for they are withheld from thee and from the world, which is wisdom in me in a time to come.
7 …to expound the scriptures, and to exhort the church, according as it shall be given thee by my Spirit.
8 …thy time shall be given to writing, and to learning much.
—Thank you, Father!
…
Q: Am I doing what I should be doing now — studying and learning?
A: “Yes. Also write.”
Q: What should I write?
A: “Ideas and outlines for talks.”
—Thank you, father. I will try not to murmur because of that which I do not know. I will trust that you will prepare the way for me to deliver the talks I will prepare.
A: “Yes, I will prepare the way for you in my good time. Meanwhile, be faithful to your calling and I will bless you with many blessings.”
—I will. Thank you, Lord! I will also “continue in a spirit of meekness, and beware of pride.” (v. 14)
Q: Father, I am not ordained to expound scripture and exhort the Church.
A: “I have ordained thee.”
—When I doubt this is possible:
A: “Do not refuse this.”
Q: I do not refuse it, Father, but how can this be? Don’t I need to be ordained here on earth?
A: “That is not possible at this time.”
Q: Will it be possible in the future?
A: “Perhaps. I have called you and ordained you. Do this work.”
…
—Father, this thing troubles me. I doubt myself.
A: “You may doubt yourself, but do not doubt me. Read verse four.”
—Yes, I see. Thank you, Father.
When I continued asking questions, I was told again to “read verse four.” “Thank you, Father,” I responded. “I will cease to murmur now.”
Then these words came: “Tell no one these things I have told you.” That injunction was lifted on September 19, 2022, with these words: “You may tell them what I have told you. The time is ripe to reveal it.”
A few minutes after my August 20 personal revelation, while studying Doctrine and Covenants 26, I heard: “Write a series of talks or lessons and submit them to the bishop.” To my dear bishop’s credit, he didn’t bat an eye when, over the next few weeks, I began to hand him bits and pieces of talks, confessing that I had no idea why, except Heavenly Father had instructed me to do so.
Many of the poems in this book were also written under instructions I received on August 23, 2022:
“Keep an open heart and an open mind… Further instructions will come.”
—Thank you, Father.
Q: Anything else?
A: “Poems.”
Q: You want me to write poems about the temple experience?
A: “Yes.”
Q: All right. I will do my best.
A: “That is all I ask of you: your utmost.”
Q: I will give my all.
—Thank you, Father.
The next day, feeling overwhelmed and humbled by the outpouring of personal revelation, and after reading Doctrine and Covenants 37, I asked for reassurance.
Q: Lord, I’m not receiving “counterfeit spiritual experiences,” am I?
A: “No. You are safe from those as long as you look to me in faith.”
—Thank you, Father!
I began writing poems about the temple. In early September I received two sweet revelations at morning prayer. First, my Father told me my poems pleased Him and I should keep writing. Then, on September 5, this blessed assurance came:
Q: Father, is there anything else You wish me to know?
A: “Beloved daughter, continue upright in faith and the kingdom will be yours.”
An entire book would be needed to print all the personal revelations in my spiritual journals, but I want to include three more before I move on to the next chapter, because they’re especially relevant to my calling to write this book. Here’s more of the entry from September 19, 2022:
“As you have been faithful, I am preparing a great work for you. Write the words I give you.”
—I will. Thank you, Father.
Wow! That was unexpected!
“To some is given one thing, to others, another. Use your gifts. I have given them to you for this purpose, which I am gradually revealing to you. Be faithful and all will be revealed unto you in my good time.”
—Yes, Father. I will obey.
Another wonderful thing happened that month: On September 30, 2022, David and I were sealed for all eternity in the Payson Temple, with a nephew standing in for my beloved husband and more of my dear family as witnesses. On September 27 I wrote in my journal:
Three days until our sealing, my dear David!
“He is excited, too.”
Oh, thank you for telling me!
“You are most welcome, Jane.”
I felt my husband’s joyful spirit all around me in the sealing room. Words cannot express the happiness I feel, knowing that, if we endure to the end, we will be exalted on high and spend eternity together in the presence of the Father, the Son, and our Heavenly Mother.
A bit of background is necessary to understand the significance of this next personal revelation. After David died, I stopped watching the news. I couldn’t stand bad news on top of my grief, so I didn’t keep up with world events except for glancing at the headlines. I decided I didn’t need to know in detail the many ways the world was falling apart. Then, after I moved to Utah and came back to the Church, some family members became concerned about my avoidance of the news, saying Church leaders advise us to keep abreast of events in the world.
With that background, here’s my journal entry of October 3, 2022, the evening of the same day I wrote an essay on Christ’s Atonement:
Q: Father, today my family pushed me to keep up with current events. What is Your will on this matter? And if you wish me to follow the news, please tell me where to find the truth.
The next morning I recorded the following dream:
I was in a large room at church. The room had many doors, all on one side, and a long table down the middle. People were seated on both sides of the table, all reading Bibles. We were doing something very important having to do with a powerful spiritual event that was imminent.
People kept coming to one of the doors, which was a Dutch door, clamoring to enter the room, and it seemed to be my job to keep them out, because if they were in the room at the time of the event, they would die. I kept telling them that, but they wouldn’t listen.
One mother came with several children, insisting that her young son be allowed in to find something he’d left there. I told her he would die if he came in, but she kept insisting, saying it would only take a moment. I looked her in the eyes and told her he would die, but still she wouldn’t listen. I looked one of the other children, a young boy, in the eyes and asked if he wanted his mother to die. He didn’t answer me.
Then, suddenly, I was locking all the doors. The last door was much larger than the rest and had many locks that were confusing to figure out. I locked the lock I figured out and went to my place at the table.
We were all supposed to be reading Matthew, but I couldn’t find it in my Quad, and my Quad was full of bits of paper and cardboard, blocking the index tabs. I kept pulling the papers out but there were always more. I searched and searched, getting more and more frustrated, whispering, “I can’t find Matthew! I can’t find it!”
Meanwhile, the others kept passing stuff around the table — eggs, chocolates — other things I can’t recall — adding to the distractions. We were supposed to use these things (I think — but maybe not).
Time was running out before the great, dangerous event, and if I didn’t find Matthew, all was lost. I kept thumbing back and forth through my Quad, but Matthew was nowhere to be found.
“Help me,” I whispered desperately, but everyone else was busy reading Matthew and passing things. There were shelves, like cubbies, along the middle of the table. I looked up and saw a bunch of eggs at one time, chocolate at another.
I was desperate, crying, still whispering for help, when finally a voice over my right shoulder said something like, “Are you having trouble finding Matthew?”
I said, “Yes! It’s not there!”
That’s when the alarm music woke me up.
After I wrote down the background events leading up to this dream, I prayed to know what it meant.
Q: So, Heavenly Father, was this dream an answer to my prayer?
A: “Yes. It means you are to shut out the distractions of the world and do the things I give you to do.”
Q: Does my frustration and fear in the dream mean time is very short before your Son comes again?
A: “Yes. Shut out all distractions and write for me. You are needed for this work. I have claimed you from the world. Do not fall back into it.“
—Thank you, Father. This is kind of overwhelming.
A: “I will lift you up, my daughter. Do not fear. I am always with you. I am pleased with your writing of yesterday, with the addition that came to you in the night.“
(The addition [to the Atonement essay] is my own story of repentance and redemption after returning to the Church.)
—I will add it. Thank you, Father.
Q: Did you use Matthew in the dream to urge me to study that book?
A: “Yes. Read JST Matthew today. Study it well.”
—Thank you, Father. I will.
Later in that same journal entry, the interpretation of my dream continues:
Q: What is the meaning in my dream of the people at the table passing eggs and chocolate, etc.? Are they other distractions, from within the Church?
A: “Yes, that is a correct interpretation.”
Q: What is the meaning of the people who were clamoring to get in, even after I told them they would die if they came in?
A”The foolishness of the world, going after unimportant things and setting aside the saving of their souls.”
Q: Why would they die if they came into the room during the event?
A: “No unclean thing can enter my kingdom. They could not withstand my presence and my glory. They represent the fallen world.”
Q: But some were young children.
A: “Those will be saved. The foolish mother will lose herself because she refused to hear you…. Ignore other voices but mine, even loving ones. You do not need to know the chaos of the world. Suffice it to know that chaos reigns and my Son prepares to come soon. His angels will reap down the world and draw out the wheat from the tares, then the field will be burned, but you will be safe, and your family.”
—Oh, thank you, Father!
A: “Go about your day now, Daughter.”
—Yes, I will, with gladness in my heart! Praise the Lord!
Q: But I have one more question: Is my new sense of power and this outpouring from You in response to my sealing on Friday?
A: “Yes, of course it is. You are now fully mine and your power in me and in my priesthood will continue to grow for all eternity, with your husband, who waits for you, in my kingdom.”
–What joy is mine! I will praise your holy name forever!
Recently, I asked again for an interpretation of the large door in my dream, which Heavenly Father told me at the time would come later. Here is that answer from my journal entry of February 3, 2023:
“The door with many locks represents further light and knowledge you are not yet ready to receive.”
—Thank you, Father. I will be patient.
“You are my faithful daughter. All will be added unto you in my time.”
A few weeks after my dream about distractions, on October 22, 2022, Father revealed more of His plan for me:
While pondering my quotes and notes on the topic “strength for weakness” … I was especially drawn to 2 Nephi 33:4, reading it over and over again. Suddenly I was struck with the sure conviction that my Father was speaking to me through Nephi’s words, that this is exactly what He is asking me to do, and His assurance to Nephi is His assurance to me. I exclaimed silently (and wrote it in the margin): “This is what I am supposed to do!” I got this answer:
“Yes, Daughter.”
—Thank you, Father!
Here is my calling and my promise:
“And I know that the Lord God will consecrate my prayers for the good of my people. And the words which I have written in weakness will be made strong unto them; for it persuadeth them to do good; it maketh known to them of their fathers; and it speaketh of Jesus, and persuadeth them to endure to the end, which is life eternal.” —2 Nephi 33:4
My Father wants me to:
1) Pray for the people of the Church;
2) Write words that will:
a) Persuade them to do good;
b) Remind them of their ancestors;
c) Speak of Jesus and enhance their belief in Him;
d) Help them endure to the end and attain eternal life.
Q: Father, is this correct?
A. “Yes, Daughter. This is what I wish you to do.”
Father’s promises to me if I do this:
1) He will consecrate my prayers for the good of His people;
2) He will make the weakness of my words strong for His people.
Q: Father, is this correct?
A: “Yes, my daughter. You will be blessed as you complete this work.”
Q: What do you mean by “complete this work?” Do you want me to write these things in a book?
A: “Yes, Daughter. Prose and poems together.”
On October 24, 2022, I recorded the title of the book: Memoirs of a Prodigal Daughter, and began to write, with this written plea in my journal:
Father, please inspire me in my writing; give me the ideas and the words.
“I will, Daughter. Begin.”
—Yes, Father, I will begin. Thank you!
“I will guide you day by day, line by line, word by word.”
—Thank you, dear Father! I will begin now.
“It is well.”
Listen
Close your door Silence your phone Quiet your mind Calm your heart Pray— Listen— With a calm heart With a quiet mind Listen— And you will hear Him
Memoirs of a Prodigal Daughter 